You've got to stop fretting about me, you got more to worry about.
But you hate it here, I know you do.
Will you stop worrying?
You're me dad. Who else is going to?
Just let them sell the house, son, I don't want any fuss.
No, that's yours. You worked all your life for that place.
Good afternoon, everyone... Everything all right?
Good. Now, it's been reported to me that some of you
are going out into the garden unsupervised.
If you continue to do so,
then you will have to visit the office and sign a disclaimer.
You may not care if the home is sued
when we have to drag you out of the lake...
but I do!
Excuse me, I don't think that's any way to talk to people.
- Sorry... you're who? - I'm here to visit me father.
Leave it, son.
Well, visiting hours are over.
Helen will show you out.
Any danger of finding a mark yet or what?
Albert's out working the clubs.
Here. I could help Albert rope in the marks.
Only, I read that the better the roper, the better the con.
And everyone knows Albert's the best there is.
Listen, mate,
the real key is the inside man, all right? He's the brains, OK?
He's the one who puts the whole show together covers the angles...
Yeah, Danny's our inside man, Billy.
I mean, not that roping ain't important, it is,
and believe me Albert is a legend, OK?
But if you've roped somebody in, what you gonna do without an inside man?
Coffees all round? Do you want tea?
Er, thanks, Eddie, yeah.
But what's an inside man gonna do without a mark?
Thanks, Ash, I was just about to get to that.
So it's a chicken and egg thing, the chicken's important,
but without an egg there won't be a chicken.
Vice versa.
The chicken, on its own, may provide the egg,
but it's the egg that you actually want.
Tell me I'm wrong, Ash.
- I'm not sure I can. - D'you want scrambled eggs?
This is all part of your education, son. I hope you're taking it in.
- Yeah, I think so. - Good, right, off you pop.
Pick my suit up.
You're meant to be training him up, not sending him on your errands.
I am training him up.
What about all that chicken and egg stuff I just gave him?
- Croissant? - Yeah, be fair, Stace.
I mean, he does need the chicken and egg stuff.
When the kid's ready, give him a shot at the title.
I could always nip out and get a pineapple.
Why is Eddie being so nice to us?
Must be time to pay the tab.
Don't worry about that and...
these are on the house.
Now, he's really freaking me out.
It comes to something when a bloke can't buy his mates,
his very best mates, breakfast.
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
Two possibilities here:
either it's not really Eddie and it's just his body possessed by aliens.
- Or... - He wants something.
So, which is it?
Can you lend me 50 grand?
When me mum died,
the old man... he just sort of went to pieces,
he was rattling about in that house.
He couldn't cope on his own.
So he went into this nursing home?
They were really nice when he got there, his own room, people he could talk to.
I mean, he really came out of himself.
So what changed?
It got taken over.
This new bird came in...
The fees nearly trebled in four months.
So move him out.
Well, that's the trouble. Me dad wants to go home, but he can't.
When I tried to get him out,
the small print on the contract ties him in for five years.
And get this -
even if he dies in the meantime,
his estate is still liable for the whole five years.
They can't do that.
In the contract, me dad's house was put up as security.
I'm already five grand behind with the new fees,
I need another 40-odd to buy out the rest of the contract.
And if I can't find the money to pay them off,
me dad loses his house, everything.
Sounds like you've been conned.
It's people like that give honest grifters a bad name.
I vote we take them down on principle.
Yeah, me too.
I'll rip up your tab.
I've tried everything, old boy, really I have.
I'm not being funny, Neville,
what's a chap got to do to get a knighthood these days?
I mean, you could buy one until last year,
when all this Levy carry on started up.
And if I throw any more at damned charities, I'll soon be one myself.
Uncle Freddie got one just by bunging some under-secretary 50K.
- Cheerie-bye, Nev. - Cheerio.
Hugs to Felicity.
- May I? - Of course.
James Alderman.
Jonathan Mortimer-Howe.
I don't recall seeing you here before, Jonathan.
New member. Thought it time I increased my circle.
Ah, not a bad thing.
Er, what do you do?
Banking. You?
I'm a civil servant.
But you're American.
I'm on attachment from the White House.
Here to work on the Honours List Committee.
I say, old boy, erm, let me buy you a brandy.
Thank you.
Morecombe Hall Nursing Home,
family run for 12 years, bought out six months ago by this woman.
Veronica Powell.
Any other interests?
Yeah, I've checked with Companies House and been through her accounts.
From what I can make out, this nursing home is a new venture.
She made most of her money in property.
In fact, she's still got a property company and an auction house.
So why has she suddenly bought a nursing home?
If you ask me, it's a bigger con than we thought.
How?
She buys this place, then she whacks up the fees,
so the elderly residents have to sell their property to pay for it.
Which she then sells through her own property company.
No, it's worse than that.
She convinces them to sell through her own auction house.
She forgets to invite any serious bidders,
buys the lot herself for next to nothing, and sells them on later.
She's not silly, is she?
And the money she pays for the houses, she gets back anyway,
when she collects the fees for the nursing home.
So basically she's just nicking old people's houses?
- Yeah, you got to admit it's clever. - Poor, poor Eddie.
And if she's smart enough to put this together,
she's not gonna be easy to take.
Good news - we have a mark.
Oh, Albie, sorry.
We've kind of been sidelined.
- Oh, why? - Yeah, Eddie's in trouble.
Right, I'll fill Albie in.
- And what should I do? - You, you stick with me, take notes.
Right, Stace, get close to this Veronica bird, all right?
Find out what makes her tick. She's got to care about something.
OK, kids, let's show old laughing chops
just what happens when you mess with a grifter's favourite barman.
For God's sake, man, it's the wrong temperature.
I think you'll find it's correct, madam.
If you don't want my opinion, what's the point of me bloody tasting it?
A good Pinotage should be served at around 63 degrees.
You've taken this from the fridge.
I will go and check, madam.
Check with who? You're the bloody sommelier.
Just bring me another bottle.
Do your job properly, moron.
Good for you for speaking up.
I'd jolly well like to see how people would react
if their food came out at the wrong temperature.
My point exactly.
The problem is, they're all bloody foreigners.
Well, absolutely.
These restaurants think that if you've got a French accent,
it automatically qualifies you to talk about wine.
Hear, hear! I completely agree.
Jane Porter.
Jane. Veronica Powell.
Jonathan. James Alderman.
I'm going to be out of town for a few days.
I thought perhaps we could meet up before I go.
I may have some interesting news for you.
- Oh, can you meet today? - Of course.
- Say, an hour? - Where will you be?
- The Old Emperor's Ballroom. - Right.
- See you there. - Cheers.
Honestly, Jane, it's like dealing with bloody children.
I sometimes think it's more like a creche than a nursing home.
Same lavatory etiquette.
Oh, no, please, I just don't do old people.
What I've learnt is it doesn't matter what you do for them,
they moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.
So you may as well do bugger all.
You know,
if I wasn't making so much bloody money, I'd be all for euthanasia.
At 60. Solve the pension crisis,
stop the world smelling of urine in one fell swoop.
Talking of which...
Now, I don't mind doing the little jobs.
I just want to learn, you know?
I want you to give me everything you got.
Sure, sure. I can't give you everything I've got, obviously.
I mean, there wouldn't be enough room. But I can give you some.
- All right. - OK, first rule of the con,
you can't cheat an honest man.
All right.
You feed the greed, you offer something for nothing,
you give them nothing for something.
Oh, I can't believe I'm sitting here with Danny Blue!
No, we can hardly believe it ourselves sometimes
Of all the vile, rude, dishonest, low-down, deceitful, scheming,
horrible, evil bitches I ever met, that woman beats them all.
- You talked to her? - An opportunity came up.
I thought it'd be quicker to do it then.
OK, so what d'you think, are we on or not?
- Oh, yeah, definitely we're on. - How?
Wine. She's a real buff, apparently, and from what I can gather,
she'll quite happily pay thousands to add the right vintage to her collection.
How many thousands?
Her biggest buy so far was £18,000
for a bottle of 1978 Montrachet, three years ago.
18 grand for a bottle of wine?
Some people have more money than sense.
Yeah, our favourite kind.
OK, so we do a wine con.
- Can you knock something up? - Might take a few days.
After talking to that woman,
I don't want Eddie's dad in there any longer than he has to be.
So we'll have to get some already made up,
and I know just the man.
It's upside-down!
Do you mind?
This is very delicate.
- I thought I'd locked the door. - You did.
I need a bottle of wine.
How much?
Something that sells for a small fortune,
but when we buy it, costs 30 bob.
Nothing new there then.
Who have I got to fool?
Amateur or professional?
Amateur.
So something recognisable that rings all the bells when she does a search.
A lady?
Not very gentlemanly.
Oh, believe me, Vinnie,
she's no lady.
Sorry to drag you out here, old boy. Bank business.
Yeah, one of our clients is looking for a loan to refurbish this place.
If you ask me, it'd be kinder to knock it down.
It was quite a place in its heyday.
Really?
- Yes. - Well, our chap's good for the loan.
If he chooses to waste it on this place, that's his lookout.
So, you said you had some news.
Yes, I do.
Where you been?
Just finished putting
Jonathan on ice.
And?
He's where we'll find him if we need him.
Good. OK, excellent.
Listen up, troops,
Ash is sorting us out with a moody bottle wine.
Something she should recognise and want for her collection.
Now, Stacie has already made contact, so she can work the inside with me.
As what?
What about we lead her to Billy here?
He's a tea leaf. Done over a stately home.
Got rid of all the silver candlesticks. Now he's looking to shift the plonk.
Yeah, but I don't know anything about it, so I come to you.
Excuse me! I do the plans.
- Sorry, Danny. - Thank you.
OK, so he don't know anything about the wine,
so he comes to me - his uncle.
Uncle?
Problem?
Me sister could have married a black bloke.
But then he'd be mixed-race.
Well, I could be from your... your sister's husband's first marriage.
So he'd be your step-nephew.
Right, he's a mate of me nephew's.
Yeah, what colour is he?
Don't matter what colour he is, he's me bleedin' nephew, ain't he?
I'm his mate?
- Yes! - Right, gotcha.
- Where was I? - Your nephew's friend
just robbed a stately home.
Thank you, Albert. OK, so he brings me a bottle of wine.
Why?
Work on that bit later. Right, OK, phase two.
The convincer.
Your best bet is something that sold at auction recently.
That way they get pound signs in their eyes.
- What's this one? - Finished that last night.
A 1947 Chateau Petrus. What would that go for?
Ten, fifteen grand.
Yeah, I might need something meatier than that.
Top-end stuff is harder to do.
Oh, come on, Vinnie, you must have something special lying about.
Got a couple of bottles that could fetch 50K upwards.
A lot of hard work went into perfecting them.
Yeah, I had a feeling it might have done. How much?
- Three grand. - Are you sure?
OK, two and a half.
But only if Miss Monroe delivers the money... personally.
Two grand,
and she'll sit on your lap while you count it.
So, Albert's the independent wine expert and he'll give a valuation.
Right. When she tries to do the deal, we say Billy here will only take cash.
Well, what if she doesn't bite?
Then we have plan B. First rule of the con, always have a plan B.
Sorry. What's the first rule again?
You can't cheat an honest man, or always have a plan B?
Listen, you got to adapt, all right?
You got to adapt to whatever situation you find yourself in.
That's the first rule of the con - be adaptable. That's three.
- Three what? - First rules!
Danny, you're confusing the boy.
All right, once more for Billy.
Rule one, you can't cheat an honest man,
rule two, you have a plan B, rule three be adaptable.
Isn't being adaptable the same as having a plan B?
- No. - Why not?
- Because... - Because Danny says so.
So the first rule is, what Danny says goes?
Exactly. And then take the others - bish, bash, bosh.
Shuffle them and Bob's your uncle.
I didn't realise grifting would be so complicated.
It is the way that Danny does it.
Houston, we have a problem.
Last year,
a crew from the Midlands tried to pull a wine scam on Veronica Powell.
It was a real amateur affair, something about rare vintages
coming up on the black market, after a robbery at a stately home.
Go on.
Anyway, she went to the police and they set up a sting operation.
Yeah, she thought she was reporting a straightforward theft.
When she found out she was actually being conned and the bottles were fakes,
she went into one.
How?
She had her whole cellar checked by experts.
Now she won't buy anything without it being verified by her own people.
And I'm talking the full works,
men in white coats, test tubes, cork probes - you name it.
I'm sorry, Danny.
It's not your fault, is it, Vinnie?
All right, thanks for, giving us the heads up, mate.
See you later.
I think... we need are-think.
Is there anything else she talked about?
There's got to be another in.
I don't think so.
What wine gives us is an emotional response.
With a hard-faced cow like this, I still think it's our best shot.
But if she's going to lab-test
what we're gonna try and sell her,
it can't work.
Guys... aren't we forgetting something here?
What?
Well, we're sitting next to the one and only Danny Blue!
I mean, he can come up with a plan in, like, five minutes.
What we got? We got wine,
we got Veronica,
we got a bottle...
OK, one, two, three...
No, the other way, idiot!
It's not gonna work cos she's gonna know it's a fake.
A plan. Here we go with a plan, here we go with a plan.
Come on... A plan. Come on! A plan.
How ya doing? I'm all right, yeah. Bottle of wine?
Fake? That's not a fake bottle of wine, it's a real bottle of wine.
How's it going?
Good, just putting the finishing touches to the whole plan thing.
You know, working all the angles,
covering all the moves, ticking all the boxes...
Not good, then?
No.
It's hard, you know.
The kid looks up to me,
the way I did with you lot when I first started.
- D'you want us to chip in? - No.
I ain't much of a leader if I can't come up with my own plan, am I?
Look, if it helps,
Mickey used to say, "keep it simple".
He'd just work out what the mark would do, then plan one step ahead.
Yeah, the old one-step-ahead trick...
Well...
If you can work out the person's next move, you can plan for it.
All right, say we're talking about selling someone a fake bottle of wine,
no-one in particular, just someone, right?
And you knew that this someone, whoever it is,
you knew they'd run a lab-test on the bottle
and they'd spot it was fake?
Rig the test.
Or you give her a good enough reason not to test it in the first place.
Yeah, well, that's as far as I got.
Then the next bit is what makes the difference
between someone who can lead their own crew...
..and the rest of us.
I've got it!
- I've got it! - What?
- You've got it? - Ready to roll in ten minutes.
There you go, shopping list.
£30,000. 35, 35, thank you.
At £35,000. Do I have 40?
At £35,000 then. 40. Thank you.
At 40,000. This marvellous bottle of 1787 Château d'Yquem, at £40,000.
Going once, and going twice then...
I'm selling at £40,000.
How much money we got, altogether?
- Where? - Everywhere.
Well, if I empty all the accounts,
sell everything we own and hit all the credit cards...
maybe... just short of 50,000.
But that would wipe us out.
How much short?
- What? - How much short of 50 grand?
I don't know, three thousand, I suppose.
- What's he doing? - Your guess is as good as mine.
- 47, Captain! - Are you mad?!
I have a new bidder at 47!
- What are you doing? - I'm selling at 47, then...
Danny, are you mad?!
Sold!
I can't believe you just did that.
Yeah, well, you got to speculate to accumulate.
I must admit, Danny, that I don't recall any other plan
that involved cleaning us out BEFORE we started.
That's because you're in the presence of genius.
Yeah, well, look on the bright side,
at least it'll pass a lab-test.
And it only cost us everything we had.
I tell you, what I don't get. Real or not,
if we paid 47 grand for it, that's what it's worth - 47 grand.
I mean, where's the profit, Danny?
Still working on that bit, yeah.
Please tell me that you're joking.
Look, we know what she's gonna do, all right, we are one step ahead.
All right, we're one step ahead.
Now what?
Ash, find me an old house, something on the market, but ain't shifting.
Albert, go to a charity shop - look potless.
And as we're now all skint, Stacie,
you can raise some money for expenses. Right, people, let's go.
Time is money. Let's go, go, go!
- Keep the change, love. - That's very kind.
Thank you.
Lovely.
That's great. Thanks a lot. Cheers.
Hello, sir.
I saw the For Sale sign and I thought, I wondered if I could look around?
My name's... my name's Oliver. Yeah?
Problem is, we are frightened of collecting money,
because we should not be here.
It's OK, he's a friend.
I no beg the government for money. I work.
We are political refugees.
We have newspaper here, see?
And it is only five numbers, but it is good, da...?
If you collect for us, we will share with you, huh?
Can I get you another drink?
Thank you.
Nick? Simon.
You, um, you do the lottery, don't you?
What's the going rate for five numbers?
That much?
Thanks, Nick.
You will help us, yes?
Tell me,
how much do you think this is worth?
Many thousands, I think.
No, I reckon 500, tops.
Tops?
- What is tops, please? - At the most.
Oh, 500 is good.
No, it is worth more than that.
It might be, I suppose.
The problem is, they check your ID
when you collect on these things.
Hang on.
I've got an idea.
Cheating bastard! 500 quid for a lottery ticket with five numbers up!
Don't knock it, that's how we can do what we do.
Billy, Billy! Yes...
No, that is a very valuable part of the con.
All right, give me a call back when you've got everything.
How we doing?
We got a little run-down semi, been on the market 18 months.
Bloke says he'll settle for 285.
I've got a set of keys, so the place is ready when you are.
Set it up for tomorrow. How we doing for expenses?
We got enough. Just enough to get the job done.
Time to reel in the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just turn down the thermostats.
We've already had complaints about it being too cold.
Well, all that knitting must be producing something,
get them to wear jumpers.
But the relatives...
Ask the relatives if they'd like to contribute to the heating bills.
We can't do that!
OK. Well just turn down the sodding thermostats.
I want the last quarter's accounts.
You're kidding me.
- I didn't realise this was your place. - What are you doing here?
Well, I was asking if you had any vacancies.
Only my aunt died three months ago
and I'm looking for somewhere for my uncle.
An objectionable old bugger, but well
there's no-one else you see, just me and my husband.
Must be such a burden.
As I said, I don't do "old people".
Well, I'm sure we can help.
Have you gone through the fees?
Yeah, er, they all seem fine.
Anyway, he's got a house which we can sell.
Really?
Yeah, well, I don't see why I should pay for him.
So what's next?
Well, why don't I come and see your house.
I mean, your uncle, in person?
You don't need to do that.
Oh, no, no I insist...
And if you're serious about selling, I have some excellent contacts.
All this, in.
- Can I ask you something? - Course.
- What exactly are we doing? - Danny's got a plan.
I've been trying to work it out.
Buying a bottle of wine, this place, and this.
Yeah, it's best not to try and get inside Danny's head,
it's a scary place to be.
Sorry I'm late, we had a fall.
Don't worry, are you all right?
Oh, not me love, one of the inmates.
Sorry, "guests". Dozy cow tried to get out of bed on her own.
Is SHE all right?
A few bruises, nothing that will get us sued.
My uncle's expecting us.
Oh, good, oh, well let's get on then, shall we?
Absolutely!
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes, all right, mate. Ready upstairs?
Yeah, Albert's in place and I've got a feed through to the van outside.
Good, and tell Billy to wait at Eddie's, yeah?
I want him out of sight so we can use him later.
Right.
OK, let's do it.
Show time.
Come through, please.
It's only me!
Uncle?
Uncle, this is the nice lady I was telling you about.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, don't get up... Mr...?
- Peterson, Norman Peterson. - You're American.
Yeah... Uncle Norman came over during the war
never went home.
What's happening, dear?
Your new home, we talked about it last night, remember?
Well, I, I like it here.
And you'll like your new home too.
I'm sure my friend could get you a decent price for this place, you know.
Oh, yeah, well I... I'll put the kettle on.
"My Lily was born here in London."
- What's going on? - Albert's doing his stuff.
"She was in the Navy, during the war."
Lily was my aunt.
They were called Wrens, you know that?
Lily Bond.
She was the most beautiful girl ever to grace God's green earth.
She had the thickest long brown hair,
with a mass of curls you could lose yourself in them.
And eyes were so blue you felt like you could swim in them
and a smile that would reach out and steal your heart.
I was 18 when I met her and
hell, I'd never been with a woman before.
They say everyone has a soul mate.
Lily was mine.
This place just hasn't been the same without her.
Has it, Uncle?
No, no it hasn't.
I'm sure you and your Willy were very happy.
Perhaps we could look around,
I can give you some idea of the value.
Great idea.
Willy, my ass!
OK, you're on.
You've seen the kitchen, but there's a marvellous cellar.
Oh, there's the door, you go down.
The light switch on the left, I'll catch you up.
1787 Château d'Yquem. Must be worth a fortune!
Be good as new with a clean up.
I'm Derek, Jane's other half.
- You must be? - Veronica.
All right, Veronica?
Cor blimey! The crap he's got down here.
Brought most of it back from the war, you know.
The original Stormin' Norman he was.
Liberated Paris single-handed if you listen to him.
- Well, actually, this bottle's... - What?
Nothing, no just a very pretty bottle.
Let's give it a go then, shall we?
That's if the old git's got some glasses.
No, no, not on my account, really!
Er, maybe another cup of tea?
Oh, no more tea, please, drives me mad with his bleedin' tea.
'Ere ya are, love, look, a bottle of plonk in the cellar, d'you want some?
- Well, erm... - Wait!
Well, maybe we should save it for later?
It'll be all right, just get this out.
There we go!
Oh, do you think it's worth anything?
What?
- The house? - Oh, er, I'm not sure.
How long's that been down there, Uncle?
I moved here in '46.
Yeah, well it tastes like piss.
"It seems like such a waste."
You wouldn't say that if you'd tasted it.
Hang on to that if you want. Stick a candle in it.
Thank you.
No worries. We've got cases of the stuff downstairs.
So, Veronica, Jane was saying something about an auction?
Yes.
Blinding. None of that hanging around, all those viewings.
In fact, no need to do anything at all,
just, I don't know just, we just lock the door,
sell the house and contents together.
- Contents! - Sorry?
No, that's just what I'm saying, it's a marvellous idea,
selling the house and contents together,
just leave everything as it is.
But I'm... I'm happy here.
I can have a room made available at the Hall almost immediately.
Sounds like a great idea.
And I know just the company to handle the auction,
if you'd like me to get the ball rolling?
Well, I'd, er, I don't like to impose.
Not at all. I'm happy to help.
Time to start packing, Pops!
Was that, or was that not, the best convincer in the history of the con?
I have to admit, it's bordering on genius.
Not bordering, Albie, it's knocking down the bleedin' door
and sitting in the armchair of genius with an ice-cold beer.
- If, it works. - It will.
- You're the man. - Yes, I am.
And if I'm not mistaken, she should be having that bottle tested
right about...
now.
Well? No doubt.
A 1787 Château d'Yquem.
You're completely sure?
Absolutely.
Where did it come from?
Some old codger brought it back from the war.
He was in Paris. I've heard stories about how the French used to build
false walls to hide their wines from the Nazis.
Has he got anything else?
A whole case of the stuff! Untouched. God knows what else.
You do know that a bottle of the same vintage sold this week for £47,000?
Of course I do,
I'm not an idiot.
So, what moron opened it?
Yeah, but, why pour it out?
Why not just give her the bottle?
Because this whole thing will only work
if she thinks that I think it's worthless.
What better way to prove that?
Pour it down the sink.
I'd never have thought of that.
Exactly. First rule of the con, kid.
Expect the unexpected.
That was quite a tale, Albert.
I'm sorry, what was?
"Eyes so blue you felt you could swim in them".
Almost fell in love with her meself, just listening to you.
Well, all the best stories have an element of truth.
What you mean there really was a Lily Bond?
Oh, yes, yes. In fact every word was true.
During the war, I was stationed in North London
It was a maintenance and supply base for the, US Air Force.
But you've never talked about this before.
I always thought you came over in the seventies.
No, that's when I came to stay.
So, when you were at the base, that's when you met this girl?
Yes, yes, I met Lily on the second day I was at the base.
The locals had, put on a dance there to welcome us.
And she had on the most beautiful silver dress.
And from the moment I laid eyes on her, I couldn't see anything else but her.
It took me almost an hour to pluck up the courage to talk to her.
I was in the very same building only yesterday.
And suddenly everything I felt that first moment I saw her, I felt again.
Did you see her again?
Yes,
back then they called it "courting".
I begged and borrowed and stole and conned every weekend pass and leave
I could lay my hands on and I spent every second with her.
I was very young
and didn't know what love was...
and she taught me.
All of a sudden,
I couldn't picture any
part of my future life that didn't include her.
Then one morning, I was awakened at dawn.
They wanted us to fly a B29 Fortress back to the States.
I had 30 minutes to pack my gear.
And Lily's parents didn't have a telephone
and I couldn't leave the base, so I had two choices -
get on the plane or go AWOL.
So, what did you do?
I'm a gambler, what do you think I did?
I flipped a coin.
I wrote her a letter on the plane and I posted it as soon as we landed,
but I doubt if she ever got it.
So months passed and the war was over
and I scraped together every cent I could and I came back for her.
I got off the train,
I got a cab to her street,
and as we were passing the church, I saw her...
It was her wedding day
and I never even got out of the cab.
Oh, look, I'm sorry, Albert.
It's strange, how the course of your life can change at the
toss of a coin.
Oh, that's great news.
That's wonderful, yeah I'll tell Uncle, he'll be very excited.
The auction will take place tomorrow afternoon.
That's good! Very good.
- How'd she sound? - She sounded excited.
Hello. My name's Jane Porter and this is my friend, Burton.
And we're about to spend an obscene amount of money.
Oh. You look lovely.
But I think we can do better.
Next!
Definitely not!
You look beautiful!
Oh, that IS the look.
Put the bags in the car, Burton.
Sorry, excuse me.
Oh, my God! When...?
Which hospital?
I'm on my way!
It's my mother, she's had an accident!
I'm going to have to go. I'm sorry...
ring everything up, I'll send Burton to settle up.
Tell her to hold on until I get there!
- Where you been? - Sorry, Dan,
had a couple of things to see to.
All right, all the paperwork's drawn up.
The old boy gets his 285, we get everything over that.
The hard part will be working out what her top bid will be.
OK. We know she thinks there's at least eleven bottles of d'Yquem in there.
With the house on top and whatever else she thinks is in the cellar,
I think she's gonna go 550.
So you make your last bid five and hope she tops it.
Anything more than that, I think she might smell a rat.
But if it slows down before that, you just bail out anywhere past four.
- Got it. Got it. - Now listen
you're gonna be a flash git agent, yeah?
So you keep your mobile pinned to your ear,
like you're getting instructions from someone.
So we done, yeah?
I'll get the drinks in.
Hang on.
Set 'em up, Eddie.
What's going on exactly, Ash? Cos Danny won't tell me anything.
All in good time, son.
- The kid ready yet? - Yeah, Danny's briefing him now.
- What time is the auction? - Half two.
Look...
I've probably got no right to do this, but...
Sounds ominous.
It was what you said last night.
I know I'm a soppy old sod sometimes, but I really love you, you know?
I can assure you the feeling's entirely mutual.
So what you said, it...
well, it bugged me.
Enough to do this.
She's Lilian Cooper now.
Bin it, eat it, use it, set fire to it.
But I care enough about you to give you the choice.
Thank you.
OK, lot number 24.
It's a Victorian semidetached property, three beds,
so pretty standard example. Valued at 285,000.
Who'll start me there?
Come on, someone, start me off...
Say 220 then?
I have a £220,000 bid. Can I hear 240?
240, thank you. Can I see 260?
£260,000, thank you.
I'm selling at that...
At 260,000 then...
280, I have a new bid at 280...
300,000.
320.
350. At £350,000, it's on you, sir.
That's Peter Wainwright's boy.
I'm selling at 350,000 then.
Peter Wainwright, the wine dealer? That's his son, George.
I don't know what he's doing buying some tatty semi!
£400,000.
Must be some ruse, knowing Peter.
I might bid myself!
420.
It's on you, sir, at £420,000.
450...
£500,000.
£550,000.
£600,000!
I'm selling at £600,000 then.
I'm stunned, absolutely stunned.
I can't believe we got such a fantastic price!
Neither can I.
I've just come from signing the papers, so I can take immediate possession.
I, I don't... I don't understand that?
- You bought the house? - Yep!
Now just leave the keys on the table and piss off!
You cheated me!
Well, strictly speaking, we didn't actually do anything wrong.
You're just a greedy bitch.
- You! - Yes?
- What? - You, you...
Spit it out.
I think the tape's got stuck.
You really need to watch your temper.
You'll pay for this!
You already have - 600 grand, to be precise.
Are you absolutely 100% certain?
Yeah? Great, cheers.
It worked! She's selling the nursing home!
Albert? On my way. On my way...
Right...
- Oh, yes. - Oh, God, here we go, here we go.
I'd like to propose a toast.
You know, what we did today was a beautiful thing.
OK, we made a few quid and Eddie's tearing up the bar tab, but, er...
No, it's not all about that.
It's not all about the money.
Write that down!
No, it's about helping those that you care about...
To friends.
- To friends. - Cheers, Eddie.
Come here, Eddie.
- James! You're back! - Do you have a moment?
I have a very interesting proposition for you...
And this is all I need to do?
It comes from the very top.
The PM has put health care for the elderly at the very top of his agenda.
So he needs well run homes to hold up as shining examples.
More importantly, he is willing to reward those who help in this endeavour.
A knighthood?
I couldn't possibly promise such a thing.
Oh, right. Gotcha.
Are you up for this challenge?
Abso-bloody-lutely!
I'll put the finance in place,
make this the best damn run home in the country
Excellent.
So what d'you reckon? I did all right, didn't I?
Well, you had me bum tweaking there for the odd minute, but...
Yeah, you did all right.
And you know the best news?
We're solvent again!
Good! Right, let's have a divvy up.
Then I might teach the kid here how to play poker.
They're great, aren't they?
Yeah, they are.
Well, I can't believe it.
I'm actually gonna be a real grifter.
Oh, being a grifter ain't all champagne and flowers, son.
- What d'you mean? - You'll find out.
No, go on, Ash. Tell me.
You can't be like normal people.
Have what they've got.
Things like a proper home, a family.
The stuff everyone else takes for granted.
That's for regular people,
not gamblers or grifters.
So, before you start getting excited about where you are,
just think about it.
If you're going to live the life...
you might be giving up more than you think.
No, Danny's lost!